we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
