in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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