tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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