i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
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