so the car was packed with everything from my dorm, plus my mom. during the 6 hour trip home she found my kama sutra. started flippin through it.....
oh shit that had to have been awkward
i thought so too. until she asked what the check marks were for
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
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I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
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I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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