Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
Randomize
