Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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