your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Randomize
