He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
