I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Randomize
