You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
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