He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
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