i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Randomize
