John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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