The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
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