sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
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