I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
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