He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Randomize
