Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
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