I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
