The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Randomize
