What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
