She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
Randomize
