Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
Randomize
