Dude my mom stole all your condoms
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
well most of my day revolves around power hour
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
