we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
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Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
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I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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