My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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