your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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