If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
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