I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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