Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
