Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Randomize
