HIV tests are more positive than that guy
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Randomize
