I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
Randomize
