I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
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