Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
