i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
