i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
I don't care if its bassically 3rd world. A country without a drinking age is a country without a drinking age.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
Randomize
