Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
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