I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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