Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Randomize
