Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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