watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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