I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Randomize
