but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
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