oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Randomize
