3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
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