Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Randomize
