sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
Don't EVER smell your tampon
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Randomize
