sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
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