Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
the other night i did but this one wasnt and it was so random. i was hooking up with this boy who wanted to roleplay and pretend to be snakes
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Randomize
