You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
