No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
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This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
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And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
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