She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
Randomize
