I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
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