I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Randomize
