Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
Randomize
