I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
Randomize
